The Suburbia Affair Take Two
by Strabec
Summary: Everyone drinks milk, don't they? An alternative opening scene to The Suburbia Affair.


Usual disclaimer applies: I don't own the Man From U.N.C.L.E, I make no money from this. Please don't sue.

Author's note: One day I am going to write something that doesn't require a note at the beginning…Anyway, I watched the Suburbia Affair fairly recently and I started wondering how would you get rid of a milkman (without shooting him obviously, that might attract attention…) who wanted to give you free milk? After all, everyone drinks milk don't they?

The Suburbia Affair – Take two

...The estate agent started to leave, but he had not finished his sickly sweet selling of Peaceful haven estates.

"Remember every house is a palace and every resident a king." he turned and walked through the door making sure to close it carefully behind him. The door knob on the door rattled threateningly, but did not fall off. Illya, who had been looking with increasing disbelief at the whole situation headed for the kitchen saying.

"Well we had better call headquarters, maybe then I can find out what I'm doing here." Then the doorbell rang. Napoleon glanced towards the kitchen door.

"I'll get it." He called to Illya. He hoped they wouldn't have to be there long. He and Illya had tossed a coin for kitchen and cleaning duties, and Illya had won the kitchen. Napoleon had been disappointed about that, as he wasn't too keen on the Russians cooking abilities. He opened the front door and saw a milkman standing there.

"Oh hi." Napoleon greeted him

"Hello, I'm your milkman from Purple Valley dairy." He started to produce a bottle of milk.

"We didn't order…" Napoleon started to say suspiciously

"Oh, it's free of charge, it is our welcome quart." said the milkman. Napoleons suspicions grew, this smelled like a thrush trap. On the other hand he could be a genuine milkman. If possible Napoleon would prefer to get rid of him without resorting to violence.

"We err don't want any." He said slowly, pausing between words, then a thought struck him. "We don't drink milk."

"You don't milk?!" The milkman said incredulously. "Everyone drinks milk, it's the American beverage!"

Well, the milkman had him there. It was then Illya appeared from the kitchen, having heard something of the discussion. Standing slightly behind Napoleon, he frowned curiously.

"Well, we don't because…"

"We're both vegans." Illya cut in quickly. Napoleon turned and stared at him. So did the milkman. Illya, keeping a straight face, pushed past Napoleon and looked the milkman directly in the eyes.

"V…Vegans?" The milkman said uncertainly.

"That's right." Illya responded. He could see the panic rising in the milkman's eyes. So Illya decided to ram the message home. "That means we don't eat or drink any animal products."

"Ok…" The milkman said sounding slightly nervous. "What about some cottage cheese instead?" he asked hopefully.

"No." said Illya, starting to enjoy himself. "That is animal product as well."

"Butter?" The milkman tried. Illya allowed himself a small smile.

"No, sorry."

"What about some orange juice?" The milkman tried. Napoleon who had been monitoring the exchange watched Illya carefully. He couldn't use the animal product line on juice after all.

"Is it organic?" asked the Russian, barely missing a beat. Napoleon had to turn a way hiding a smile with his hand. How Illya managed to keep a completely straight face during the conversation was a mystery. Illya however was having too much fun to ruin it by laughing.

"Err I don't know." The milkman said, backing away defeated. "I'll…I'll have to talk to my boss." With that he turned away and started back to his truck. Illya shut the door, a slow smile spreading across his face. Napoleon looked at him.

"Smart Russian." He commented. "But vegans?" Illya shrugged.

"It seemed a good way to get rid of him. I went out with a vegan in Cambridge. She was very fussy about food."

They were both heading towards the kitchen when a sudden boom shook the house. Napoleon rushed to the window.

"What is it?"

"I think the milk has gone off." Napoleon replied.


End file.
